


Dust to Dust

by SilentSlayer



Series: The Gwen That Broke the Lion's Heart [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Crying, Dark, F/M, Grief/Mourning, I torture my characters, I'm Sorry, Sad, True Love, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 11:56:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5538968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentSlayer/pseuds/SilentSlayer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwen Trevelyan was slain in the final battle with Corypheus. Now Cullen must return to Skyhold as the shock of Gwen's death grips everyone she knew. The lyrium isn't helping like he thought it would, and he feels shame for giving in.  <br/>Can the Lion find peace? <br/>One shot that is tied to my story Never Forgotten.<br/>As I headcanon, this work is inspired by Eternal_Garbage_of_A_Spotless_Mind and her series Two Pieces of The Whole. All credit for Gwen Trevelyan goes to her and her lovely darkness.<br/>You don't have to read her series to understand this work, but it would probably shed some clarity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dust to Dust

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mayamelissa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mayamelissa/gifts), [Eternal_Garbage_of_a_Spotless_Mind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternal_Garbage_of_a_Spotless_Mind/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Ashes to Ashes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5533028) by [Eternal_Garbage_of_a_Spotless_Mind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternal_Garbage_of_a_Spotless_Mind/pseuds/Eternal_Garbage_of_a_Spotless_Mind). 



_ Ashes to ashes, _

_ Dust to dust. _

_ For dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. _

*****

An eerie silence hung over the Inquisition on the journey back to Skyhold. No rustling whispers, just people holding onto each other for solace. The pain was too raw, too soon. The shock still hung on most like cold water thrown in their faces. It couldn't be real. She couldn't be dead. 

The Commander riding at the head of the troops knew it was all too true. Her riderless horse trudged beside him, pining for a mistress would would never return. Cullen had to tie the beast to his own mount. It had not wanted to leave without her. 

_ Stupid animal. Can't he see she's gone? Gwen, my love, gone.  _

Stares full of pity surrounded him. They wanted to offer him comfort, but didn't know how. The solemn pats on the back and awkward words had stopped. There was only one comfort left, and even it could not drown his pain. 

He tipped the vial back. No one could judge him now. The liquid gave him strength, but did nothing for the fierce ache in his heart. 

_ So what if they see? None of it matters anymore.   _

Cassandra had been the first to meet him as he returned from the battlefield. The others averted their gaze from his, unsure of what to say. Uneasiness spread through the ranks. They all felt the emptiness inside, though none as deeply as him. 

The Seeker was shocked when he told her of his decision to continue as Commander. Maybe she had expected him to end it all? Disappear without a trace? 

_ No. Gwen wouldn’t have wanted that. She would want me to go on, for them. Forgive me, my love, without you I cannot endure. _

She had been so proud of his decision to break his lyrium leash. She comforted him when the withdrawals hit, loved him even at his worst. Without her, there was no hope left. It was too easy to throw his honor away to temptation, and he dove back in greedy for deliverance. 

_ And for what? I disgrace her memory, yet I  cannot forget. Maker’s breath, every time I close my eyes I see her. Why won’t these thoughts leave me?  _

He saw her riding her war mount proudly beside him. Her shield strapped to her back, sword at her hip as she beamed at him. Happiness radiated from her as she winked slyly towards him. Those moments felt more real than any other. Then, he would reach for her, and she would evaporate as his fingers grasped air. 

Red-rimmed eyes looked up at the fortress they had called home. They had built a life there, together. He could see the balcony of her room. They had made love there once, cloaked in darkness as the cold bit their flesh. She had told him she loved him, promised to marry him once this was finished.

_ She wanted children, MY children. A large family full of joy and laughter. So many things broken, so much regret.  _

Exhaustion plagued him, yet he wouldn’t allow himself rest. He knew what nightmares awaited him, and he was not yet brave enough for memories without control. 

One more empty vial fell to the ground. He knew he shouldn’t take so much, knew that it would only speed the loss of his mind. He had heard of ‘accidents’, Templars who took too much. Numbing madness would consume them, and that was what he craved.   

_ “I will never leave you, even if I fail you must remember…”  _

He hadn’t let her finish that thought as they stood in the Chantry. What had she wanted to say? Guilt and sorrow flooded him. That had been their last moment alone. 

_ I should have said more, told her how much she meant to me. I failed her, sent her to a gruesome death at the hands of Corypheus. If only we had more time...now, time is all I have.  _

He returned alone through the gates of Skyhold. People stared, knowing she should have been at his side. They pressed around him. Murmurs grew into words, words into screams. Wailing broke out as they wept. He remained silent, his voice frozen as a fresh wave of agony washed over him. 

_ Go away. Make it stop. Too much noise, too much movement. I can’t... _

He escaped to his old quarters, no one daring to stop him as he feld. He had to get away. Everything, everywhere reminded him of her.  

His eyes fell on his desk as the door slammed. Andraste preserve him, such simple things brought back so much. 

_ Bottles clinked to the floor, shoved aside as she laid back on the wood. Her playful smile and desire burning in those grey eyes as she beckoned for him.  _

He turned from the memory and hurried for the ladder. Things would be no better in the loft, but he had to get away from that night. 

Dust covered the floor of his former room. It had been months since he slept anywhere other than with her. 

The bed creaked as he flung himself upon it. Sunlight streamed through a hole in his ceiling. 

_ She liked looking up at the stars as I held held her. She teased me about it, but never ordered Josephine to have it fixed.  _

Cullen sensed someone close. His regained Templar abilities made him sharper, more attuned to the magic around him. It wasn’t hers though, and his heart sank at that knowledge.

“All around you, so much pain. She can’t stop crying...” His hand went to his sword, but he relaxed as Cole stepped out from the shadows. 

A headache pounded behind his eyes, and he dug in his pouch before finding it empty. 

“She wanted me to take them away. She made me promise to make you listen.” Cullen had never trusted the Rogue, but Gwen had always loved him dearly. Perhaps Cole could hear her through his connection to the Fade. He envied the boy. 

“Go on then.” The words were growled out through gritted teeth. The withdrawal was already creeping up his spine, yet he needed to hear Cole’s words more. 

“I forgive you, Cullen. You could never disappoint me. Do what must be done, and find what peace you can. Know that I am waiting for you, always.” The words were hers, he could sense it. A final goodbye, another promise.

_ She lied last time. She was supposed to come back.  _

Anger flashed briefly before tears began to fall. Grief took him, his body shook with the force of his sobs. 

Cole appeared above him, face peering down into the man broken by love. Soft eyes, a calming touch to his arm, and Cullen felt peace. For the first time since Bull approached him, the roaring stopped. 

_ “How about we make it interesting?” _

Her whispered words found him as he floated away into nothing, a slight smile on his lips. 

**Author's Note:**

> I have been seriously angsty here lately. Need to go write some fluffy happiness to get out of this mode. FFS it's Christmas and all.   
> Special thank you to Garbage for being my darkness consultant. I cannot live up to her awesomeness but I try.  
> Also Mayamelissa gave me the idea for the desk scene which is her favorite from the Cullen Romance. I thank her so much for the idea because this entire story was built around that one moment, with several references to earlier scenes written by Garbage and Me. Also Mayamelissa writes some amazing stuff so check it out  
> As always comments and kudos are appreciated everyone is incredible hope you enjoyed
> 
> Much Love
> 
> SS


End file.
